I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
I’m sitting in my hot car with a window down and a cheap excuse for a latte in my hand that coffee snobs would scoff at. I’ve been training with people decades ahead of me, who somehow haven’t given up on me yet despite my failures, and I’m tired in a good way, and I’m still sweating, and I’m disappointed in my weak progress but also kind of glad I haven’t quit yet, I guess. My guts are complaining, and I’ve got shitty music in my ears that most would hate but apparently some others out there, somewhere, actually like too, if the global play counts displayed are to be believed.
I don’t live in my past. I don’t remember it clearly, even. Not most of it. However, that doesn’t stop me from internalizing the mistakes that were made and learning from them. Without even remembering their catalysts, I live and breathe and sweat those lessons today.
I don’t live in the past. What’s gone is gone, but, the past is a part of me today. It strongly indicates the future.
The lessons have been learned, but the action is still missing. Fear needs to be conquered next. The means must be collected. With the means and fearlessness, I can proceed.
I feel so guilty just for being alive.
I’m not right in the head and I think I never will be.
I just need to get this out tonight.
A friend a couple weeks ago helped me begin to think: “Rather than a defect causing difficulties, it’s a difference causing difficulties.”
It steals laughs
It seals cries
It steals connections
Possibilities, futures
Faces from hands
Hands from backs
…
We breathe by virtue of accident,
at chance’s mercy.
Resting fate’s hand in yours,
curl up in your cocoon
as comfortably as you can.
Morning came again:
confusing mix of apathy
and disappointment
.
3:45 AM
The spring evening sun is still shining
I wish it got dark early year-round
I’m waiting for early sleep
Finally forming a new atheist prayer:
…
Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!
.
May 9, 2025