once
August 23, 2025
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once
August 23, 2025
I hate my words I hate my thoughts I hate my speech I hate my silence I hate this I hate all of this I can’t stand me why can’t I just die in my sleep I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be here I can’t live in this brain I can’t anymore I just can’t I’m too tired it’s too much and I’m just too tired I don’t know how I don’t know how I don’t know how I can’t flip the switch I just can’t flip the switch I can’t I just can’t I can’t, yet I will I will against nature, I will I don’t know how I don’t know how I can’t keep doing this I can’t I can’t I can’t why should I why should they why should they wait any longer why can’t I be brave why why why why why I’m a coward why why why …
Followed up by: Denial Determined
Every heartbeat, dishonest;
Every breath, wasteful;
Every action, fraudulent.
This perseverance, cowardice;
An ending determined, righteous.
.
July 22, 2025
~ 11:20 p.m.
I don’t want to exist
like this;
but I still know,
and can’t forget.
Some days it’s a bridge
Some days it’s a rainbow
Whatever it is today…
Beg gracious pardons,
put yourself first for once and
go before them all
The me of today wants everyone to have what they need and at least some of what they want, and to do their best.
Ocean of thoughts crushes under its depths
Thoughts intrude from the inside but almost as if from others
I know they can’t live without me
But, in their insistence on return, it seems
I can’t live without them, either
Sometimes I start doing relatively well for a time. Days, weeks, maybe I get some good months, even. I get the audacity to start thinking that I’m improving, that I’m figuring things out. But then something will always end up putting me back in my place and reminding me that I can’t figure out how to be a whole, normal person. This cycle will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and will not end for as long as I live. The responsible thing is to bow out for real, but I still just can’t do it. I’m stuck.
Senseless fear, senseless fear,
Always waiting near;
Senseless fear, senseless fear,
Destroying what’s held dear.
Creeping fear, creeping fear,
Robbing me of sleep;
Creeping fear, creeping fear,
Crawling in so deep.
Silent fear, silent fear,
Fraying threads so thin;
Silent fear, silent fear,
I fear the day you win.
.
June 25, 2025, late; June 26 edits