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Category: Stream of Consciousness Journaling

Thoughts before sleep 2026.02.14

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on February 14, 2026

I’ve been out in the world and here at home and surely annoying everyone even as my heart dissolves into hot steam and I still question everything and I still need and I still need things I can’t say and I’ve been trying to write but I’m still alive anyway and the other side feels so strangely home today like a black hearth that’s still just warm enough that I can’t feel any chill but I survived one more day and I’m alive.

Misc. Thoughts January 19 2026

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on January 19, 2026

I don’t feel right somehow. Like I’ve been partially scattered to four winds. Teetering on a tightrope between panic and apathy. Heart hiding in different corners. Torn beliefs. Feet on shaky ground, or maybe more like feet used to the rocking of the sea from the deck of a ship but when they step onto land the unmoving earth feels like it could never feel safe, and comfortable, and home.

Late night thoughts, wishing to be gone articulated

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on November 30, 2025

I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here.

Continue readingLate night thoughts, wishing to be gone articulated

August 31 thoughts

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on August 31, 2025

August 31, 2025 “If you were to die tonight, right now, that beautiful water and birdsong could be your last music.” “So to die now could be a beautiful end, but once gone, I’ll never hear that magnificent peace ever again.” “The world falls silent for us all one day, for each of us in our own time. One day, those birds will be gone too, along with any who could appreciate them. Neither existence nor non-existence truly hold anything of import. Not until the end of days, that is.”

Thoughts Before Sleep, June 10 2025

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on June 10, 2025

The day is almost over. The moon is almost full. My mind is getting closer to quiet, and brings me no poems. 

Everyone breathing along with me are one day closer to the end today.

As I close my eyes, all I can think about is how much I love them.

11:30 p.m. thoughts as I begin to drift off to sleep.

Thought process of a suicidal urge

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on May 9, 2025

Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!

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May 9, 2025

2025.04.15 to 16 split stream of thought

Published by Lee Under the Cedar Trees on April 15, 2025

Everyone makes distance
I get too close
Do I suffocate them? 
I’m not human
I will never be
I’ve lived long enough
I feel so disconnected
I can’t connect
It’s so little so rare 
I have earned nothing good that I have 
I thought I’d be ok now

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April 15 – 16, 2025; Sitting in my car after a class.

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