After over 35 years of masking, I don’t know who I am. I crafted what is probably a partially false persona to grow into and I don’t know who I would be if I had never done that. I still have a deep-rooted fear of learning something about myself that wrecks me, and I think I may be somehow terrified of finding that I’m really just someone I hate underneath everything. Or finding something that just plain hurts.
May 14 – 15, 2025
If you always choose as you’ve always chosen,
you’ll always receive the same reward.
We breathe by virtue of accident,
at chance’s mercy.
Resting fate’s hand in yours,
curl up in your cocoon
as comfortably as you can.
“I can choose to never feel this way ever again
With some courage and patience”
I wrote that yesterday
Seeing it now, a day later
It doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore
24 hours can shift one’s perspective
Maybe tomorrow
It will mean something a little different again
Morning came again:
confusing mix of apathy
and disappointment
.
3:45 AM
I should have learned by now
I should know better by now
Why will I never learn?
The spring evening sun is still shining
I wish it got dark early year-round
I’m waiting for early sleep
Finally forming a new atheist prayer:
…
Waking in the night just before 3 a.m. when he finally joins me
Rather than withdrawing, remaining separate, irritated at the disruption
I instead open the blankets and lift an arm to welcome him
…
It’ll be 4 a.m. soon
Everything is different at 4 a.m.
….
Crying is blocked when others would or possibly could see it.
When it does happen, I’m almost always alone.