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Under the Cedar Trees Posts

Thoughts before sleep 2026.02.14

I’ve been out in the world and here at home and surely annoying everyone even as my heart dissolves into hot steam and I still question everything and I still need and I still need things I can’t say and I’ve been trying to write but I’m still alive anyway and the other side feels so strangely home today like a black hearth that’s still just warm enough that I can’t feel any chill but I survived one more day and I’m alive.

Self-erasure

I realized today that I can disappear in small increments.

Instead of doing it all at once in one big, difficult, dramatic exit, I can instead just die quality, one piece at a time.

Self-erasure will be my salvation.

Less and less of me, quietly disappearing, retreating into hiding.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner, especially once I realized that the more I retreat, the more I am accepted — further proof I don’t belong in this time.

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