Waking in the night just before 3 a.m. when he finally joins me
Rather than withdrawing, remaining separate, irritated at the disruption
I instead open the blankets and lift an arm to welcome him
…
It’ll be 4 a.m. soon
Everything is different at 4 a.m.
….
Crying is blocked when others would or possibly could see it.
When it does happen, I’m almost always alone.
Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!
.
May 9, 2025
Supposedly cedars will burn quite savagely.
Violently.
I’ve never seen it
But I have no reason to believe this false.
…
How quickly would an entire forest disappear
With trees so eager to burn and share?
…
Frothing at the mouth
Over prophesized outcomes
I’ll never prevent
Fury turned inward:
History deafens me while
Self-hate steals my sight
I’m angry as hell
At predicted ends because
I’m fucking mental
Will you continue to go alongside me at times
On this troublesome leg of my life’s journey?
Will you be in my corner, still,
When the thoughts that punch the hardest
Knock the wind out of me?
…
How smooth in my hand
How white under the night sky
This stone tells me truths
These old woods have gotten quiet
Darkened by clouds that won’t crack
Silenced by a muffling blanket
Invisible but felt
Heavy and oppressive
Rainfall is long overdue
Drought is spreading beneath the canopy
Branches bend in the increasing wind
Into little smiles beckoning outsiders
It still looks green from a distance
…
That sinking feeling sets in when I remember
Shrinking makes me better
Becoming smaller makes me greater
Taking up as little space as possible
It’s the best thing I can do
To remain in the correct place
The path to betterment
Requires me to repeatedly ask it
What I need to do to fit through the cracks
But how does one get smaller than this
.
May 4 – 5, 2025