I recently saw a stranger online saying that there’s two kinds of loneliness.
She said there’s loneliness of being without someone. That’s the kind most think about or mean when they hear or use that word, and it’s certainly not a good feeling.
She went on to say that there’s another kind of loneliness…
I feel so guilty just for being alive.
I’m not right in the head and I think I never will be.
I just need to get this out tonight.
The savage and I are at odds again today.
But, today, I’m not pacifying it. I refuse to play by its rules.
I will not coddle it, cuddle it, kiss it on its forehead today.
Today I resist. I argue. I rail against its every move.
.
June 3, 2025
I should have learned by now
I should know better by now
Why will I never learn?
To my future self:
I will admit, I’m a little curious to meet you, but you are quite probably the biggest coward I’ve ever known.
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be thankful later for your lack of conviction this year.
I cried three times in under twelve hours.
Maybe that’s some sort of progress.
That, or I’m getting worse…
I can’t tell.
…I could have gone so much further
Could have taught myself so many things
When the world opened to me
When I could finally reach the lessons
…
“If I am worth anything later, then I’m worth something now.”
— Someone, somewhere, some time.
Maya Angelou (I think?) said that every storm runs out of rain.
It’s not really wanting to die so much as wanting to disappear.
Dying does take care of that, but maybe there’s other ways.
Today was a little clearer than usual.