Defect or difference: does it really matter?

A friend a couple weeks ago helped me begin to think: “Rather than a defect causing difficulties, it’s a difference causing difficulties.”

At the time, that helped me feel a little better. But today I remember: regardless of which type of cause, the difficulties are still there and will never completely go away. They’re so isolating. I cannot feel fully human. I should remove myself from society. I feel like I must. Until I do, I’m like a thief who has no business taking all this space and time here — the longer I stay, the greater the theft I’m committing. I’m not religious, but it just feels so “sinful” on a primal level. I want to have solid, loving relationships with people, and live without such fear of the future. But that’s not for me. There’s just too many unknowns out there. They’re terrifying. I hate it so much. I’m so afraid I’ll be left totally alone and stuck. I want to leave before that can happen. I don’t want to be looked at oddly again. I don’t want to be annoying people again. I don’t want people to regret knowing me. I don’t want to be surprised by losing everything important later. I don’t want to lose more people.

Nothing lasts forever. I will not last forever. If I just hurry to the end, I don’t have to worry about any of this anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of shadows and predictions and shame and embarrassment. I don’t have to disappoint myself or anyone else ever again, just create one last super-sized embarrassing confusion that will end quickly for me and remain with others for a short period and then no more, ever, forever.

I’m not supposed to be here! I don’t belong here!