I need to have a best friend.

We can’t fully understand ourselves without the reflections from mirrors others hold up to us. 

I learned something important about myself today. 

I need a best friend. Without one, I feel so much further away from being whole.

We “shouldn’t” need other people for our happiness, some therapists will teach us. Not any one specific person, anyway. But we do, typically, need human connection.

I hate admitting this. The term “best friend” actually sounds a tad childish to me… but I don’t know how else to efficiently call it. I need a platonic, deep bond with another human being, and I have to be able to communicate with them. Another thing I hate to admit — having such a thing helps me feel tethered. Real. Worthwhile. 

For a decade, I felt fortunate enough to be married to my best friend. And while I still feel bonded and love them as a partner, lately it feels as though the bond is starting to slowly fade. 

It would be easy to blame him, but when it comes down to it, it’s not a matter of fault. It’s not who’s right or wrong. There’s a fundamental difference in communication, and maybe a difference in methods of affection and attachment. 

They need to be right more than anything. They want to educate me more than anything. It’s as if they only feel they are worth anything through their intelligence. I’ve faced so many corrections — sometimes founded, sometimes not, I think — I don’t want to share my opinions anymore. I don’t want to even bring up things I learned or discovered. I don’t want to share things I create. I don’t want to share my personal development, unless it’s regarding something so completely removed from any of his areas of interests, they’ll care too little to bother. That’s when I get some trivial “that’s good!”, maybe with a smile. Maybe they’ll even turn away from whatever else holds their interest to face me. 

I am learning to hesitate. Sometimes I do share, and I chastise myself if I forget to brace myself for the educational lecture that I should expect by now and happens at least… perhaps 70-80 percent of the time? 

I don’t need to always be right. I really don’t. I don’t mind being wrong so much. What I need is to not always be assumed to be wrong by default. Not constantly challenged, especially just for the sake of an ego. The default, persistent assumption that I must be wrong, because my statement is not in line with their current thinking or understanding and the assumed default is that they know best and should teach me, is slowly alienating me and I don’t know if it can be fixed. It’s who they are. I can ask and expect them to not be a jerk, but I can’t reasonably ask them to not be their authentic self.  

It’s happening very slowly, but I’m starting to withdraw. It’s a slow lesson, but I am indeed learning. I have value to this person, but it seems to have very little to actually do with who or what I am, in any way.

I’m not sure how I have value to them at all. I think they thought I was the best they would get. I know they used to think they’d always be alone — they told me as much. Maybe my only value is in loving and accepting them.

Surely there are others out there that can give them more. And as long as I’m still here, they won’t feel right in reaching for that. I think about that often. They could have so much better than me, if they could just find them, and they had no obligation to me. I can’t bring myself to walk away, but I do think about just removing myself entirely.

It’s not enough to be needed. I don’t want a partner that I can’t share myself with, and the ability to share myself without paying for it with hurt is becoming less and less. (I’m responsible for my emotions, not them, but they’re making it so hard… and even if I can stop the hurt feelings, it’s still just not a fun way to live with someone!)

Some things I’ve started to really question recently:

• Is this really what I want for the rest of my life?
• Is this really what I think it is, as described above, or is my perspective being tainted by my own recent internal disturbances, distorting my view? (Will I still feel the above, if I’m able to sort myself out?)
• Is this all just a product of my sub-human nature? Is it all on me?
• Will I always have such poor communication and connection?
• Is there a point to continuing? What is it?
• Is a constant cycle of hurt for decades really a better option than to just skip to sleeping the rest of eternity away?

Some things I am not doubting about myself anymore:

• I need a platonic best friend, and I need a partner best friend, to be my best, closest-to-real self — but even then, I’m not a whole person.
• I need to communicate and express myself, to feel a little closer to being human — but this will always be difficult and I need to accept that and try to work with it.
• I’m pathetic.