Forgiveness for a Seven-Year Mistake

Previous: #1: Grief for a Seven-Year Lie
Next: #3: Wishing for a Seven-Year Peace

---

At first, I didn’t understand at all
When a wise friend told me this is called “grief”. 

Is this grief for the relief that I thought I found,
That illusion now dissolved,
That misled belief that this was solvable?

Deliverance was never there in that knowledge,
Paperwork, or disclosures.
It never existed.
How did I delude myself so?

Are they right?
Is this really grief for the fantasy now dead,
Or is it regret for seven years tainted
With a lie I told myself?

Grief is a process
That, I have heard, is supposed to end in acceptance.
I don’t know if my words for my distortion are correct
And if I can’t find the right words
Where is acceptance supposed to come from?

I can’t stay stuck in whatever this in-between is.
I won’t. I refuse.
(Do you hear me?!)
I need to find a way, or —
Well, what does giving up even look like?
A decision most terminal?
Surely there’s another way.

Maybe I need to get angry.
Maybe I need to stay angry.
Anger is fuel. Anger motivates.
Anger gets things done.
Anger says,
“I am here!”
“I am staying as long as I please!”
“I am enough, and to hell with any who disagree!”

Maybe I need to get compassionate.
Maybe I need to be compassionate towards myself.
Compassion is soothing. Compassion comforts.
Compassion eases hurt.
Compassion says,
“You are enough.”
“You exist with the rights of all.”  
“All you need to have worth is to decide it’s yours.”

Anger to keep me fighting,
Compassion to heal the battle wounds.
A cycle to keep me at war
Prowling under these cedar boughs
Until the day I’m carried off
Spread upon the shield of my foolishness
That barrier of self-deception
That I can neither carry from here
    for its weight
Nor discard to flee
    as there’s nowhere else to go

Maybe what I really need 

Is not
To grieve
A seven-year lie

But instead 

To forgive 

A seven-year 

 mistake

October 30, 2024

---

Previous: #1: Grief for a Seven-Year Lie
Next: #3: Wishing for a Seven-Year Peace