Late night thoughts, wishing to be gone articulated

I want to be dead. Or do I?

Do I want to not be alive? Maybe I just want to be not me. I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here. I say that, but I know there’s not really such a thing as being “meant to be” anywhere, so I think what I really mean is that I just feel so out of place and as though I’m an interference more than anything else.

I’m a nuisance. That’s it. An interference in the sense of being in the way. Annoyingly so.

We’re supposed to be certain ways. I can’t be those ways. I don’t even know what this really means; I just know that I’m failing.

I’m probably at least about halfway through a natural “full” lifespan, give or take a few years. Do I really need the remaining half?

I don’t feel like I will be here in 2027. If I’m a good person, I’ll do the right thing and leave by then.

Why can’t I do the preparations like others? Sort my things? Make it easier for others? I can’t face it like that. I can’t do that slow build up. And I think that, while I’m still here, giving away all the things that are part of who I am will hurt. Will leave me even less able to cope with my remaining time.

I just need some courage. Can I get that courage before next year is over?

Why bother trying to treat this? Is it even possible to really “get better”? What does that even look like? Why worry about thinking and feeling differently, when I’ll still be so out of place? I can’t just remain jammed into everyone’s sides and convince myself “this is ok, I can stay here”. But I’m too weak to isolate myself.