Some friends are closer than others. Supposedly, so-called “soulmates” (people often only use that word in the context of romance and sex, but that’s not the only application of the term) can come in various forms, including friends and even family — I’ve been learning about the concept of “platonic soulmates”, where people have a very close bond with a friend for which there is zero romantic interest or sexual attraction. These are supposedly the friends you can truly be yourself around, who actually, honestly accept you; who you may have a great emotional intimacy with; who are there for you through just about anything imaginable; who help you really discover who you are, both good and bad. They bring so much benefit into your life, and with less up-and-down volatility (better word??) than can come with relationships of a romantic nature.
I can think of maybe one or two people who may have come within a mile of this level of actual closeness throughout my life. (There may have been times I believed somebody to be this, but they were nothing of the sort, and my socially crippled brain was evaluating poorly.)
But now, I find myself believing that I may have actually found one.
To experience such a connection with another human being is something that I didn’t think I really understood and didn’t believe myself to be even capable of (and still wonder if I am). Now, I find myself dreading losing one.
It would not be the same as losing, for example, a spouse. But for some reason, and I don’t think I really understand or accept this yet, it feels like it may be something even worse.
(Triggered inner thoughts: “That doesn’t make sense. I must not be normal. I’m not right in the head…” )
A “side-concern” of the idea of a “platonic soulmate” would be for a close friendship to be mistaken for romantic interest. Normally-wired people might see my attachment and worries etc. as signs of some sort of deep romantic/sexual interest, maybe because of how they would experience and/or express that. (I think people may have made that kind of mistaken assumption with me before.) But I just don’t work that way. It often doesn’t look the same for people like me, I think even more so for women than men. (Autistic women are often mistaken for having romantic interest in somebody that they don’t. Men seem to see a lot of our “milder” autistic traits as signs of interest. So, I wish I could be more clear on this, to the world — while it may for some people like me, romantic interest does not usually look the same for us as it does for others and it varies widely across the spectrum.) Because of this high potential for misunderstanding, I’m afraid to admit to this level of friendship.
Maybe I’m just getting my hopes up and getting carried away for nothing. Maybe I really can’t ever have such a friendship. I’m not sure what to think, but I know I want it to be real, and I want to keep it.
May 14-15, 18; 2025
Let them know.
Life is fleeting, too soon ending. Let them know what they mean to you. Be clear, be honest but don’t hide this from them.
These connections are so rare, so special.
Be brave, let them know.