Thoughts on the inability to cry

Crying is blocked when others would or possibly could see it.

When it does happen, I’m almost always alone. The only exception, I think, is actually from meltdowns, when the overwhelm is just too much. I’m so barely-human, I don’t even cry like a normal person. It’s not just from sadness, or grief, or any other “normal” reason to cry. It’s just overwhelm, and often I don’t really even understand it.

Crying is ugly. Crying is uncomfortable. Crying hurts. It’s embarrassing. There’s never “enough of a reason”. There’s always “no need”.

It makes others uncomfortable. Picking up on this, I internalized it. Learned that it’s supposed to make us all uncomfortable, so now I am, too, uncomfortable with my crying. But it makes us uncomfortable because we’re social animals and a problem in our pack could be a problem for us, and could be caused by a threat of some fashion, right?

Instead of facing the cause, we shame (overtly or discreetly) the behaviour to return to a state of “nothing is wrong”. Others’ crying is suppressed so that we all can return to an “everything is fine” state. We would rather be fine than not-fine, wouldn’t we?

I’ve taken it so far, I combat the surges and bury them (even when trying to convince myself that I want to let them out) to feel like everything is ok. Or, actually, I could believe that nothing is ok, but at least I’m in control of myself. 

Is that all it is? Just needing to keep control?

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May 8-10, 2025