Stoning

I hear those awful feelings
Transmitted directly from that horror figure
That amalgamation of shadows that’s my subconscious taken form
I feel the assaults it whispers to my psyche
Wearing down my resistance one rough edge at a time

My gut reaction has been to try to kill this villain
Finish it off for good; bury it up to its neck
Day by day, I’d pick up the stones it tried to break my bones with
Looking at one closely: “You have no purpose” is scratched into it
Inspecting another, it simply features a wicked “Failure”
Yet another reads “Trespasser, remove yourself!”
As if I have strayed too long into
Where I should never have existed 

Time after time I cast those stones back to its pinned head
Bloodied it raw — tore the faceless mass to ribbons
A pebble for every tear trapped behind a dry eye
A rock for every scream buried in a tight chest
A handful of salt driven into wounds
For every connection that paid the price
Grabbing and throwing, grabbing and bashing
Even while bleeding myself on the jagged ones 

Over and over, fighting again and again
Until something changed 

Now my meditations have turned
Something has been pacified
Aggression mollified 

Lifting that foul mouth from the dirt cage
I tried to trap it in
It helps me gather the stones

No one’s throwing them now 

The small ones, I swallow whole
The medium ones, we crush into dust first
The ones that are just too large, we gather
Into a bag strapped to my back
Supporting the weight by force of will
I carry them everywhere with me
As if they were the loving infants
Denied this life

I march onward, somehow calmer
Under this added weight
Almost as if it’s a sensory delight
“No burden at all”, I tell myself
Ignoring the drops of blood behind me
When the oozing begins from the blisters
Forming on my heels
“This is what I am”, I say to quizzical passersby
Of the rocks on my back
And the gray hard patches
Forming on my face, chest, and back
Slowly petrifying  

In this discovery, am I finally finding peace?
In this understanding, comfort?

Have I finally found it
The acceptance that completes the grief
As I slowly turn to stone?

February 25 – 27 2025