Fears Rising at Dusk; Fears Fighting at Dawn

Fears Rising at Dusk

Some nights after twilight settles
Evening fears creep into view
Rolling into the night under that cold moon
Usually to fade with the sunrise
But only after they haunt
Possessing thoughts running intrusive
Through a mind too stale to think clearly
A mind too spent to wage a fair fight

Bury everything you’ve written. 

“No. It’s healthy for me to share.”

But you know they’re no good.

“They don’t need to be good.
They just need to be true.”

Paint some gore, dismembered limbs,
Violent raw obscenities,
Half-melted bodies.

“No. Drawing could hurt.
It could send me to a very bad place.” 

We live tenuously hanging between bliss and fear.
What if death only takes one of those from us?

“That’s not logical. Nothing is so black and white.  
And death always takes everything from the gone,
Leaving survivors to hold these two
And everything that falls in between.”

Everyone will be gone. 

“That’s the way of the world.
Nothing lasts forever.”

Those you love don’t really know you.
What if you don’t wake up
before they all know what they mean to you?

The last one scares me the most
I don’t know how to respond
But I know how to write letters
So I start to frantically tap out notes of assurances
Promising my feelings
(As if they’re needed!)

I just wanted you to know that

< pause… >

< backspaces… >

I know we don’t talk much anymore, but

< pause >

< sigh >

< backspaces… >

I know we talk all the time but I still just

< pause >

“Stupid…”

< backspaces… >

I wish I could figure out

< pause >

I wish I could figure out why you’re so

< pause >

< backspaces… >

I wish I could figure out how you make me so

< pause >

“Fuck.”

< backspaces… >

I wish I could figure out what you’re making me feel.

< pause >

Coming to my senses before hitting send
Knowing I’m too much
I delete every single one

Is this illness?
Is this medicine?
Or is this just me?

Sleep inches close enough to nuzzle my cheek
And the troubles all crawl to the back corner to hide
When the tiny flames of sight and sound
Finally flicker out
We all sleep together in one clumsy pile
Limbs entwined
Stuck
No sweet pillow talk here
Only awkward silence
Tossing and turning together
With shallow breaths
Nervously eager to wake again

---

Fears Fighting at Dawn

The sun is back, but
Something’s not right this sharp winter morning
The dusk fears didn’t quietly see themselves out
On sneaky tiptoes in the night like usual
We’re still all tangled together upon waking 

They fill the rooms
They fight the healthy morning thoughts
For the best seats in the house of bone
They fight the morning light
For the power to stay with me 

They don’t stop moving
They want to live
Maybe even more than I do

They follow me outside today
Distort my hearing
Pull the love out of the music
Disorient my sense of space
Create motion in my periphery
That becomes still when I turn my head to look

Hours pass, and they finally begin to fade
Whipped into submission
By touching others 

Hoping to cast them out for another day
I commit what remains to line and verse
A thing cannot be in two places at once
So if it’s over there
That means it’s not in my head
Right?

I turn away from their corpses
Before they’ve even turned cold
I go about the rest of the day
Occasionally checking over my shoulder
Until I return to my bed
Hoping tonight doesn’t bring
Another twilight 

January 9 – 12, 2025