Suppression at will is a very useful skill to have. Important. Often, we need to hide emotions. But when it’s automatic and uncontrollable, that can’t always be a good thing, can it? We need to be able to process what we’re feeling. I don’t think I ever really believed that I needed to. Without consciously thinking about this, I think I just believed or assumed that suppression was always appropriate and ok.
Why do I automatically suppress anything that feels powerful, unless (until?) it becomes too strong to ignore, it overwhelms me, and I lose control of it and melt down or shut down?
I’m afraid? Why? Shame? Why? Why shame? What am I hiding from myself?
I’m ashamed to just exist, as it is — what difference does it really make if I feel something I’m ashamed of?
I think I’m also afraid that it will mean the end. As if, if I’m emotionally overwhelmed enough, I might be reaching a breaking point where I do something permanent. Maybe I shouldn’t fear that so much. I could mitigate that risk by only expressing it around someone who could help prevent an absolute disaster, but I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable or — should the worst happen — give them a bad final memory of me. Better to keep it to myself.
November 14, 2024
Comments
All submitted comments are held for moderation before being posted, and are always posted anonymously.
Comments that contain any potential personally identifiable information will be edited before being posted.
Comments may be edited or deleted before being published at the discretion of the site owner.