Reflections After a Battle: Drawing Upon Allies

The cycle has turned again
And, for neither the first nor last time,
I am simultaneously nothing and far too much;
Shifting as I always eventually do
From shimmering to rotting. 

But! Something is different now.

The whispering voice isn’t quite the same.
It’s still persistent, sure.
Still savage, still cruel,
Still so bitterly persuasive.
It’s still all these things now,
And I know it will be these again.
But the conviction of past visits
Doesn’t hit quite like today’s.

It lures me again into hiding, solitude;
It knows that’s where it’s strongest.
I’m afflicted, weakened.
It tries to pull me deeper into it,
Further from those who love me.
The difference today
Comes from where my doubts creep.

This time, even as I am drawn away,
I harbour just enough doubt
In its insistence
That some belief in others
Is able to come to the fore.
Past words from others close to me
Are a little clearer than last time.
There is a blurriness about the edges
And the beast’s wicked cajoling is still a little sharper
But the balance has shifted just enough
That, this time, I choose to reach out to others
Sooner, seek their words,
And with some difficulty,
Allow myself to believe them. 

The beast abhors the others.
Jealous, it seeks to keep me to itself.
I’m not going to allow it.
The others insist:
I am enough, I serve a purpose,
I am loved, my love is adequate. 
I lower my resistance to these notions
And the beast is shaken.
It holds on as long as it can
But in a matter of hours
It begins to slink away. 

This war isn’t over
But my side is getting stronger
Day by day 
As I learn to draw upon my allies:
I borrow their ammunition
When my own is running low so that
Our combined destructive power becomes mighty.
With shaking hands,
I take decisive shots 
Powerful enough to scare that beast away
While my loved ones hold me tightly
On the right side of the crosshairs.

October 13, 2024