Fear and Ashes

Fear fear fear tension shake weak hate electrified terror dread nothing panic panic panic lose die why why how why go go move fear die rot shake purge purge purge fear hate shock fear fear tense wake I can’t go I need to go leave flee run fear choke drown fear gasp why where go where go where why run where shake where zaps gasping hide hide hide hide run hide seek run choke hide gasp reach reach reach reach stretch fear hate hated I am hated imploding charge run climb hide fear uphill fight fear fear buried buried buried buried I’m afraid I’m afraid I’m afraid of everything I always return no escaping this never escaping this destroy destruction obsession end game purge starve it out isolated isolated rage rage rage rage rage crush cut cut cut cut cut bleed bleed bleed cut starve suffocate die purge rise reform evolve it’s the only option no no no one other option quit quit quit quit quit go down down down go down down down mute not deaf do not mistake me for a wall hide hide hide hide hide hide hide fight flight freeze fight flight freeze cornered implode always running always moving always moving usless I need to leave I need to leave I need to leave I need to run I need to fight I need to fight I need to flee I need to run I need to go I’m lagging I’m so fucking afraid I’m so tired and I’m so afraid and I’m so tired of being afraid and I’m so afraid of being here and I’m so afraid of being gone and I’m so afraid of fighting and I’m so afraid of fleeing and I’m so afraid of everywhere and I should not be but I should not be anywhere and I’m afraid of being someone and I’m afraid of being no one and I’m afraid of being seen and I’m afraid of being heard and I’m afraid of I’m afraid of I’m afraid of drowning and I’m afraid of suffocating am I suffocating I’m afraid of dissociating I’m afraid of me I’m afraid of time and I’m so tired and I can’t be afraid of being unafraid so why is it so difficult to be unafraid and fear and fear and tension I hate this I can’t be afraid if I’m dead I can’t be afraid if I’m dead why won’t I just stop breathing I’m a cockroach I’m so fucking persistent I’m stubborn I’m slow but I’m so bloody stubborn my boot is on its throat I’m still breathing and winning and I’m winning because I’m breathing it keeps resurrecting itself I’ve managed over forty years and I just need to do it again I can do another forty I can’t do another forty I can’t do another forty my breath is an affront and my heartbeat is an insult I can’t drive it out I try to smash it out and I try to scratch it out and I try to write it out and a tiny piece remains and it replicates itself like a virus and I can’t kill it and others can’t kill it and I’ll never kill it and they’ll never kill it and no one can ever kill it until it dies with me and it dies with me it only dies with me if I die it all goes and if I die when I die it all goes away and when I die this phoenix dies with it and when it dies its ashes will finally be still and when this finally dies forever there will be no further resurrections for it no more lies from it no more truths from it no more protections from it no more restraint from it no more harm no more harm no more whispers no more roars no more screams from this thing nothing more from this fear no tension no terror but for now it lives and for now it hunts and for now it haunts and for now it flays me alive and for now it speaks in my words and for now it speaks with this throat this fucking throat this fucking useless throat and for today it is alive and for now it is on top and later I will be on top and I will believe I’m winning and later still it will be on top again and we will go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and fear and fear and fear and one day it’s raping me and one day I’m raping it and we fight and we fight and I flee and we fight again and it flees and we fight and fear and I fear again again it chokes me awake and I can never win when it will always rise again and it will rise again and it will rise again and I will fear I fear I fear I fear I fear and I fear and it wakes me with its fingers on my throat and its fingers on my throat and how am I still breathing and why is it here and why and why and why and September 2024 I’m still fucking here and fear and fear and fear and cuts and bruises and cuts and hurt and hurt doesn’t chase it away and it’s still here and I can’t continue and I will continue and I fear and I hate it and it always rises again and it won’t stay gone and I can’t keep doing this but I will keep doing this and I’m so tired I can’t I can’t I’m so afraid I’m so afraid I shouldn’t be here the ashes reform and it wakes me with hands on my throat and I fear and I shake and it won’t leave and this fear will only scream in its death throes with my last breath