I want in.

A stream of somewhat random thoughts while falling asleep.

I want to be heard.
I want to be HEARD.
I WANT TO BE HEARD.
I’m terrified to be heard.

I want to MATTER BACK. I hate that I want it, but I do.

I want them all to be happy. 

I want my absence to be more than a shrug and a “Oh, that’s too bad.”; my loss to be more than one or two vapid “we’ll miss them”s; and I hate that I want it.

I’m on the outside looking in, wanting to be there. The kindness (generosity?) of others allows me in, maybe for pity, maybe for self-something, but it’s only one step across the threshold. 

Among others, tolerated, not desired. Maybe reviled. Maybe, at best, permitted to serve a purpose.

I’m not human. I am partially human. This brain isn’t right. I’m isolated and disconnected but it doesn’t even matter because we will all be dead and forgotten eventually all the same. Why not skip to the end and be done with it? 

Or, alternatively, why not stick it out and see what happens?