I wake shaken:
Dreams of battle and travel
For the second time
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I wake shaken:
Dreams of battle and travel
For the second time
Tossing here since 3
Awake for over an hour
Fucking kill me please
.
4:15-ish a.m., on being awake for over an hour and being damn cranky about it.
Wake sleep wake again
Room for one more white helper
Smooth edge jagged edge
.
2:50 a.m.
Shouldn’t be surprised
Uninterrupted sleep tonight
Is too much to ask
2 a.m.
Wide-eyed, I listen and wait, hoping to drift.
Hours pass, still hoping.
Too much day sleep, too much caffeine, I think to myself.
Sadistic brain replays conversations, probing with questions, looking for errors.
…
Always analyzing, always seeking the mistakes, always finding a reason to blame.
The day is almost over. The moon is almost full. My mind is getting closer to quiet, and brings me no poems.
Everyone breathing along with me are one day closer to the end today.
As I close my eyes, all I can think about is how much I love them.
11:30 p.m. thoughts as I begin to drift off to sleep.
Sleep feels far tonight
I owe such apologies
But can’t find the words
(Stream of consciousness foolishness, as sleep begins creeping in.)
…
I need to write
I need to breathe deeply
I need to inhale your calm peace
So I can exhale all this fear in exchange
…
Waking in the night just before 3 a.m. when he finally joins me
Rather than withdrawing, remaining separate, irritated at the disruption
I instead open the blankets and lift an arm to welcome him
…
It’ll be 4 a.m. soon
Everything is different at 4 a.m.
….
Small round white escape
Summons temporary death
Bringing short relief
Waiting for closed eyes
I wonder who the deep black
Will bring me tonight