My universe in soft blushes and verdant greens
Whispering hope for worth
Validating air exchanged
Caressing energy traded
Oblivious and welcoming
…
I need to go somewhere
I can’t stay here
My thoughts are not really mine but they are internalizations of all the things others have said, even without always directly saying them.
Lee under shadows:
boughs conceal the worst of her
under these cedars
All my foolish ways
Return to taunt me tonight
As the world grows dark
Sometimes I start doing relatively well for a time. Days, weeks, maybe I get some good months, even. I get the audacity to start thinking that I’m improving, that I’m figuring things out. But then something will always end up putting me back in my place and reminding me that I can’t figure out how to be a whole, normal person. This cycle will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and will not end for as long as I live. The responsible thing is to bow out for real, but I still just can’t do it. I’m stuck.
Pale-faced like the ticking round clock on the wall.
They travel together
All within reach of each other, never wandering far
Taking their turns
One then the other then the other
For decades
Simultaneously hating and guarding each other
I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
I feel so guilty just for being alive.
I’m not right in the head and I think I never will be.
I just need to get this out tonight.