retreat retreat retreat retreat retreatflee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee fleewhy the fuck am i still hereim not supposed to fucking be herei was never supposed to be herenothing but loss aheadim an anomalyi’m out of syncanachronisticlets leave everything behindset everything rightlets just fucking gojust leave alreadyim garbage im garbage im garbage
Waves still rise and fall
Anchors begin dissolving
I begin to drown
I watch her pick up handfuls of my shards from the ground at her feet, over and over while parts of me are still collapsing, turning in on themselves, tearing at their frayed edges before joining the growing heaps…
I don’t feel right somehow. Like I’ve been partially scattered to four winds. Teetering on a tightrope between panic and apathy. Heart hiding in different corners. Torn beliefs. Feet on shaky ground, or maybe more like feet used to the rocking of the sea from the deck of a ship but when they step onto land the unmoving earth feels like it could never feel safe, and comfortable, and home.
The year grows tiny:
Regrettably not the last
Time I close my eyes
I’m coughing.
A heart turns over, hot.
I’m choking…
The clouds roll and spill their essence
White-hot and frozen on these unkempt strands
It’s wet and strange and ignored
Half-blind in this storm I can’t see
Half-deaf in this hurricane I can’t name
….
How is it
that no matter how many curtains I draw
over every window I pass,
the dark can always find me?
…
I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here.
Iron belongs to the earth
Stardust belongs to the void
It’s time for it all to go back
I have my assignment
I know what it calls for
I know where it belongs