I race to catch them
but I turn around the thick green corner
brushing against it with a rustle
and I can’t see their outline ahead anymore
all I see is green and shadow
down the leafy corridor
…
I march on daily
Stubbornly refusing to yield
A rebel parade of one
…
Sometimes I start doing relatively well for a time. Days, weeks, maybe I get some good months, even. I get the audacity to start thinking that I’m improving, that I’m figuring things out. But then something will always end up putting me back in my place and reminding me that I can’t figure out how to be a whole, normal person. This cycle will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and will not end for as long as I live. The responsible thing is to bow out for real, but I still just can’t do it. I’m stuck.
I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
(Stream of consciousness foolishness, as sleep begins creeping in.)
…
I need to write
I need to breathe deeply
I need to inhale your calm peace
So I can exhale all this fear in exchange
…
The deep black brought me another
In its chemically-induced night under the sun
Unlike the last, this one more recent
And rather than lightly sad
This one bitter
…
Songs can really rewind us.
Everyone makes distance
I get too close
Do I suffocate them?
I’m not human
I will never be
I’ve lived long enough
I feel so disconnected
I can’t connect
It’s so little so rare
I have earned nothing good that I have
I thought I’d be ok now
.
April 15 – 16, 2025; Sitting in my car after a class.
I live on, needed,
this unshakable feeling
…
I hold my tongue in a vice
Speaking only in my head
Not wishing to start fires
I may not be able to extinguish
Wishing I could remind you…