retreat retreat retreat retreat retreatflee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee fleewhy the fuck am i still hereim not supposed to fucking be herei was never supposed to be herenothing but loss aheadim an anomalyi’m out of syncanachronisticlets leave everything behindset everything rightlets just fucking gojust leave alreadyim garbage im garbage im garbage
Waves still rise and fall
Anchors begin dissolving
I begin to drown
Back in my high school days, you sat with me on the bus once or twice. We must have lived near enough to each other, then. That route wasn’t very long.
Quiet fellow, I can’t remember for the life of me what we talked about. Maybe nothing. Maybe we just sat in silence. I’m pretty sure you were in the same year as me. You were always so quiet, seemed so alone, you were like background scenery that no one ever noticed.
I watch her pick up handfuls of my shards from the ground at her feet, over and over while parts of me are still collapsing, turning in on themselves, tearing at their frayed edges before joining the growing heaps…
I realized today that I can disappear in small increments.
Instead of doing it all at once in one big, difficult, dramatic exit, I can instead just die quality, one piece at a time.
Self-erasure will be my salvation.
Less and less of me, quietly disappearing, retreating into hiding.
I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner, especially once I realized that the more I retreat, the more I am accepted — further proof I don’t belong in this time.
The year grows tiny:
Regrettably not the last
Time I close my eyes
I’m a ghost, haunting on stolen time
I’m surviving tonight
I’m training myself on inhibition defeat
How much drugs to kill the resistance?
I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here.
Iron belongs to the earth
Stardust belongs to the void
It’s time for it all to go back
I have my assignment
I know what it calls for
I know where it belongs
My universe in soft blushes and verdant greens
Whispering hope for worth
Validating air exchanged
Caressing energy traded
Oblivious and welcoming
…
I need to go somewhere
I can’t stay here