Fewer and fewer
Words from shrinking throat and mind
So little of me
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Fewer and fewer
Words from shrinking throat and mind
So little of me
Press thoughts into me like fingertips
But explain to me what they mean
Shove feelings down my throat like cupcakes
But tell me what the flavours are
Invite me to the dinner table like I’m one of you
But show me how you live every single day
With the same humanoid shape
With the same language
With the same homeland as I
With your body comprised of the same proteins as I
With the same glucose in your veins as I
I’ll pay voracious attention this time, I swear
I’ll try really hard to learn
So that one day I may be able
To finally assume the shape of your thoughts
And learn to play your part
December 6, 2024
… But then
I think of them seeing me from the inside out
I imagine their mind’s fingers combing the strands tangled in my shallows
…
Sometimes it all leaves
Blank sheets reach the horizon
Lungs now mere machines
Organs move onward
Redundant automatons
I have nothing real
Colours dull and fade
In this void words will not come
So I become still
(An attempt to figuratively capture experiences of autistic shutdowns and/or intermittently becoming non-verbal.)
I think I tasted it again today
That rare experience, precious
Honey from a hive
Communal joy
Connected on all edges of my honeycomb cell
Now I go out to replenish, alone again
Seeking more solitary nectar
How I hope to taste this honey again soon
🐝 🍯
When I met you yesterday, T.
I sat with you for some time
Just listening
From the very beginning
You were precious
Eyes boring into mine
You were so animated, so excited
The more you talked
Realizing someone was listening
Really listening to you
…
I’m not much of a woman
Maybe I’m half of one
My body has the shape
We’ve largely agreed to call female
My chromosomes are oblique crosses
I’m seeing double
Am I missing half of my mind?
I play life defensively
Guarding what I must within reason
I take inside when I choose to
I bleed
But it feels like I missed something
When they were handing out
Club membership cards
Where’s the rest of me?
I check the F box on forms
With confidence
But at the same time
I feel like I’m sitting outside of it
Looking in
November 26, 2024
It was in the springtime when
I decided to do an important experiment
I had a hypothesis to test
…
I listen
I listen
I listen
I offer nothing
I take
I take
I take
I absorb little
I return nothing
I keep the gates closed
And must be satisfied with not drowning myself
November 19, 2024
Stormy skies pound down onto dark shorelines
Anger whips branches and brambles to and fro
Thunder and lighting tear the sky into pieces
Echoing a desperate rage
Found in any lifetime of faulty connections
Dark clouds oppressive with no end in sight
Mix with a melancholy
Only the perpetually lonely can understand…