I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here.
I crossed the world to find
that fear can permeate this place too
I flew halfway around the planet
but would you believe me if I told you
I’m still nowhere to be found
October 29, 2025 (東京)
Vibrations were rising
Panic was on the horizon
Moving closer, quickly
Attempts to connect — I stuttered
I froze
Eyes darting everywhere but her gaze
Until, through my stunned silence
She put her infant in my arms
…
Wheels begin to turn
Need takes flight
…
Senseless fear, senseless fear,
Always waiting near;
Senseless fear, senseless fear,
Destroying what’s held dear.
Creeping fear, creeping fear,
Robbing me of sleep;
Creeping fear, creeping fear,
Crawling in so deep.
Silent fear, silent fear,
Fraying threads so thin;
Silent fear, silent fear,
I fear the day you win.
.
June 25, 2025, late; June 26 edits
No trickles today
No regrets, few fears
The only tremors, slight as they were, the daily quivering from roots that anchor me to the rhythm of my own heartbeat
They travel together
All within reach of each other, never wandering far
Taking their turns
One then the other then the other
For decades
Simultaneously hating and guarding each other
(Stream of consciousness foolishness, as sleep begins creeping in.)
…
I need to write
I need to breathe deeply
I need to inhale your calm peace
So I can exhale all this fear in exchange
…
A friend a couple weeks ago helped me begin to think: “Rather than a defect causing difficulties, it’s a difference causing difficulties.”
In the corridors of your presence
I find four heavy doors
Behind the first
If I want to make thoughts real
Can form the words
And can synchronize the throat
I do
Behind the second…