Behind the wheel, keeping my eyes on the road
somehow lowers shields around my mind.
As I drive the comfort of familiar grey,
you’re able to sneak inside,
creeping on tippy-toes without a sound.
once
August 23, 2025
Vibrations were rising
Panic was on the horizon
Moving closer, quickly
Attempts to connect — I stuttered
I froze
Eyes darting everywhere but her gaze
Until, through my stunned silence
She put her infant in my arms
…
All my foolish ways
Return to taunt me tonight
As the world grows dark
Every success, invigorating;
Every hug, affirming…
I hate my words I hate my thoughts I hate my speech I hate my silence I hate this I hate all of this I can’t stand me why can’t I just die in my sleep I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be here I shouldn’t be here I can’t live in this brain I can’t anymore I just can’t I’m too tired it’s too much and I’m just too tired I don’t know how I don’t know how I don’t know how I can’t flip the switch I just can’t flip the switch I can’t I just can’t I can’t, yet I will I will against nature, I will I don’t know how I don’t know how I can’t keep doing this I can’t I can’t I can’t why should I why should they why should they wait any longer why can’t I be brave why why why why why I’m a coward why why why …
Wheels begin to turn
Need takes flight
…
We walk together
I’m squinting under the high afternoon sun
While you’re shielded by the brim of your hat
I’m not saying much but
I’m hanging on your every word
…
Alongside others,
squinting in the noonday sun:
still walking alone
There were friends there.
I think there were so many friends there.
Surrounded, surrounded!
Some smiled with their eyes.
Some surprised me with their remembrance.
Most, I barely knew.
I turn my thoughts backwards, steering into nearby memories…