Surroundings tilted
Questioning reality
Deserving nothing
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Surroundings tilted
Questioning reality
Deserving nothing
Press thoughts into me like fingertips
But explain to me what they mean
Shove feelings down my throat like cupcakes
But tell me what the flavours are
Invite me to the dinner table like I’m one of you
But show me how you live every single day
With the same humanoid shape
With the same language
With the same homeland as I
With your body comprised of the same proteins as I
With the same glucose in your veins as I
I’ll pay voracious attention this time, I swear
I’ll try really hard to learn
So that one day I may be able
To finally assume the shape of your thoughts
And learn to play your part
December 6, 2024
… But then
I think of them seeing me from the inside out
I imagine their mind’s fingers combing the strands tangled in my shallows
…
With thoughts and love I
Revisit with empathy
Dear friend’s expressions
If I really could
I would raise high scaffolding
To lift heavy hearts
She’s dizzy, weak
She’s heavily wounded
Yet miraculously she stands
On shaking legs
Spitting bitter iron
Coughing, dazed, stumbling
With broken bones
Into arms of those who came
To her when she needed them most
The wet sand that cushioned her
When she fell so far
The sun that hid from her
In the cobblestone square
The moon that couldn’t find her
Sitting at her warm table
The snow that didn’t touch her
But saw her through that window
And the friend who could read her
Who could hear and see right through her
May be the only ones who really
Know her stories
Maybe that’s enough
After all, as this new day ends
She’s still standing
December 5, 2024
12:15 a.m.
A Daydream Aggressive
A Daydream Decisive
A Daydream Gently Ending
Sometimes it all leaves
Blank sheets reach the horizon
Lungs now mere machines
Organs move onward
Redundant automatons
I have nothing real
Colours dull and fade
In this void words will not come
So I become still
(An attempt to figuratively capture experiences of autistic shutdowns and/or intermittently becoming non-verbal.)
Today I reflect on connections
Giving love, receiving love
So many feedback loops
All precious, all powerful
All so very necessary
Like all things invaluable
Each with a secret expiry
Some brutal painful day
So hold them tight, cherishing
Until their inevitable dissolution
November 30, December 3 2024
Autumn wind brings chill
Is that beast that haunts me more
Hungry or lonely
Night sky as always
Will I awaken relieved
To be breathing still
Heart needs rest yet
Somehow I can never find
The way to stillness
Another midnight
Unwanted awakening
Dread for forthcoming
Unease grips tightly
Mind plays friendships dissolving
Both past and future
Written upon waking just after midnight, slightly disturbed.