Everyone makes distance
I get too close
Do I suffocate them?
I’m not human
I will never be
I’ve lived long enough
I feel so disconnected
I can’t connect
It’s so little so rare
I have earned nothing good that I have
I thought I’d be ok now
.
April 15 – 16, 2025; Sitting in my car after a class.
Just make it to next year. That part’s easy, right? I’m almost there! Please let me stay a little longer. Maybe I’ll find what I need. Just give me a little more time.
Eternity is a long time. Please stop rushing me. Eternity is patient. It can wait a few more months for me. It can wait a little longer. It can wait. It can wait. It can wait a little longer. I can wait a little longer. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait.
I suppress the surges, even when I don’t mean to.
They swell, then subside.
I swallow and swallow and swallow them. I push them so far down, I think they must be gone.
Empty in the outer layers, but, underneath, tiny vibrations, too far away to register with a label, yet present enough to remind me of my worth.
I feel like there’s something I’m not willing to admit to myself
But I keep getting closer to uncovering it
I feel like I need to. It’s part of the process. But I’m afraid it’s going to hurt
Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something, but not such a big deal. Maybe it’s not very painful at all. Maybe I’m overreacting to a minor discomfort. Maybe it’s something absolutely horrible, something I will hate myself for.
Stream of consciousness (falling asleep) on considering a dear friend’s situation.
Hope you find your purpose
I know I am not your purpose, but if your great purpose is to help others, I know I am contributing, as there is no doubt I am stronger for your support
I’m grateful that I can be overwhelmed and still communicate with you
Fear fear fear…
for now it hunts and for now it haunts….
It’s so quiet sitting in the parked car at home. I can hear my own blood near my ears.
A stream of thoughts while falling asleep one night.