The day is almost over. The moon is almost full. My mind is getting closer to quiet, and brings me no poems.
Everyone breathing along with me are one day closer to the end today.
As I close my eyes, all I can think about is how much I love them.
11:30 p.m. thoughts as I begin to drift off to sleep.
I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!
.
May 9, 2025
Everyone makes distance
I get too close
Do I suffocate them?
I’m not human
I will never be
I’ve lived long enough
I feel so disconnected
I can’t connect
It’s so little so rare
I have earned nothing good that I have
I thought I’d be ok now
.
April 15 – 16, 2025; Sitting in my car after a class.
Just make it to next year. That part’s easy, right? I’m almost there! Please let me stay a little longer. Maybe I’ll find what I need. Just give me a little more time.
Eternity is a long time. Please stop rushing me. Eternity is patient. It can wait a few more months for me. It can wait a little longer. It can wait. It can wait. It can wait a little longer. I can wait a little longer. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait.
I suppress the surges, even when I don’t mean to.
They swell, then subside.
I swallow and swallow and swallow them. I push them so far down, I think they must be gone.
Empty in the outer layers, but, underneath, tiny vibrations, too far away to register with a label, yet present enough to remind me of my worth.
I feel like there’s something I’m not willing to admit to myself
But I keep getting closer to uncovering it
I feel like I need to. It’s part of the process. But I’m afraid it’s going to hurt
Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something, but not such a big deal. Maybe it’s not very painful at all. Maybe I’m overreacting to a minor discomfort. Maybe it’s something absolutely horrible, something I will hate myself for.
Stream of consciousness (falling asleep) on considering a dear friend’s situation.
Hope you find your purpose
I know I am not your purpose, but if your great purpose is to help others, I know I am contributing, as there is no doubt I am stronger for your support
I’m grateful that I can be overwhelmed and still communicate with you
Fear fear fear…
for now it hunts and for now it haunts….
It’s so quiet sitting in the parked car at home. I can hear my own blood near my ears.