retreat retreat retreat retreat retreatflee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee flee fleewhy the fuck am i still hereim not supposed to fucking be herei was never supposed to be herenothing but loss aheadim an anomalyi’m out of syncanachronisticlets leave everything behindset everything rightlets just fucking gojust leave alreadyim garbage im garbage im garbage
I’ve been out in the world and here at home and surely annoying everyone even as my heart dissolves into hot steam and I still question everything and I still need and I still need things I can’t say and I’ve been trying to write but I’m still alive anyway and the other side feels so strangely home today like a black hearth that’s still just warm enough that I can’t feel any chill but I survived one more day and I’m alive.
I don’t feel right somehow. Like I’ve been partially scattered to four winds. Teetering on a tightrope between panic and apathy. Heart hiding in different corners. Torn beliefs. Feet on shaky ground, or maybe more like feet used to the rocking of the sea from the deck of a ship but when they step onto land the unmoving earth feels like it could never feel safe, and comfortable, and home.
I’m a ghost, haunting on stolen time
I’m surviving tonight
I’m training myself on inhibition defeat
How much drugs to kill the resistance?
I want to not be like this. I want to be able to accomplish and explore. I want to be able to feel real connection. I can’t connect with others. I can’t balance my life. I can’t reach goals. I can’t keep my thoughts straight. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I don’t want to be this person. My brain doesn’t work properly. I know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not meant to be here.
there’s no point in writing anything
there’s no point in anything
i feel so
done
finished
nothing left but fear
irrational fear
i can’t get away
i can’t fight
i want out
August 31, 2025 “If you were to die tonight, right now, that beautiful water and birdsong could be your last music.” “So to die now could be a beautiful end, but once gone, I’ll never hear that magnificent peace ever again.” “The world falls silent for us all one day, for each of us in our own time. One day, those birds will be gone too, along with any who could appreciate them. Neither existence nor non-existence truly hold anything of import. Not until the end of days, that is.”
The day is almost over. The moon is almost full. My mind is getting closer to quiet, and brings me no poems.
Everyone breathing along with me are one day closer to the end today.
As I close my eyes, all I can think about is how much I love them.
11:30 p.m. thoughts as I begin to drift off to sleep.
I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!
.
May 9, 2025