I recently saw a stranger online saying that there’s two kinds of loneliness.
She said there’s loneliness of being without someone. That’s the kind most think about or mean when they hear or use that word, and it’s certainly not a good feeling.
She went on to say that there’s another kind of loneliness…
I feel so guilty just for being alive.
I’m not right in the head and I think I never will be.
I just need to get this out tonight.
The savage and I are at odds again today.
But, today, I’m not pacifying it. I refuse to play by its rules.
I will not coddle it, cuddle it, kiss it on its forehead today.
Today I resist. I argue. I rail against its every move.
.
June 3, 2025
A friend a couple weeks ago helped me begin to think: “Rather than a defect causing difficulties, it’s a difference causing difficulties.”
Some friends are closer than others. Supposedly, so-called “soulmates” (people often only use that word in the context of romance and sex, but that’s not the only application of the term) can come in various forms, including friends and even family — I’ve been learning about the concept of “platonic soulmates”, where people have a very close bond with a friend for which there is zero romantic interest or sexual attraction. These are supposedly the friends you can truly be yourself around, who actually, honestly accept you; who you may have a great emotional intimacy with; who are there for you through just about anything imaginable; who help you really discover who you are, both good and bad. They bring so much benefit into your life, and with less up-and-down volatility (better word??) than can come with relationships of a romantic nature.
I can think of very few people who have come close to this throughout my life…
But I think I may have found one now, and I’m as terrified of losing it as I am grateful to have it.
After over 35 years of masking, I don’t know who I am. I crafted what is probably a partially false persona to grow into and I don’t know who I would be if I had never done that. I still have a deep-rooted fear of learning something about myself that wrecks me, and I think I may be somehow terrified of finding that I’m really just someone I hate underneath everything. Or finding something that just plain hurts.
May 14 – 15, 2025
“I can choose to never feel this way ever again
With some courage and patience”
I wrote that yesterday
Seeing it now, a day later
It doesn’t mean quite the same thing anymore
24 hours can shift one’s perspective
Maybe tomorrow
It will mean something a little different again
I should have learned by now
I should know better by now
Why will I never learn?
Crying is blocked when others would or possibly could see it.
When it does happen, I’m almost always alone.
Angry at deceit
Self deceit
I know better
Why not do better
Because I wish it were otherwise
I was fooling myself this whole time
I’m not supposed to be here
I was not made properly
Defects need to go defects need to go defects need to go
Look at all the space and time you’re stealing!
It would be so much better for everyone if you were gone.
Think of the group for once instead of just yourself.
You’ll never feel this way again once you’re gone, but only once you’re gone!
Just do it. Just go!
.
May 9, 2025