Today there was an opportunity to advocate for myself (to enable better communication) but instead I yielded to the path of least resistance to grease the conversation cogs, to bring the interaction to an end sooner, and to prevent making another person think or feel oddly (about me or the situation).
I spiral and spiral and I just know, at the bottom of these spirals, that I’m not supposed to have lived, not supposed to live; I know that I do not contribute enough to be worth the space and time I occupy. …
August 31, 2025 “If you were to die tonight, right now, that beautiful water and birdsong could be your last music.” “So to die now could be a beautiful end, but once gone, I’ll never hear that magnificent peace ever again.” “The world falls silent for us all one day, for each of us in our own time. One day, those birds will be gone too, along with any who could appreciate them. Neither existence nor non-existence truly hold anything of import. Not until the end of days, that is.”
Thoughts on mental and emotional intimacy in platonic interpersonal connections.
“It’s ok, no matter what happens.” they tell me, but I fear for them anyway. Their logic, reason, and emotional intelligence is some of the most powerful I’ve ever seen. I fear for them — their potential disappointment, sadness, loneliness, heartbreak — they act like their shields are all securely in place but I sense joints in their defenses where pain can seep through.
Your fading presence will one day leave a hole in my life I’m not sure I could fill again.
You walk through my life with gentle steps, in shoes none other can fit.
One day the footsteps will become quieter. I’ll strain to hear them, and a sad echo will surround each distant tap.
.
July 12, 2025
(Reflections on a friend and predicted futures.)
The me of today wants everyone to have what they need and at least some of what they want, and to do their best.
Sometimes I start doing relatively well for a time. Days, weeks, maybe I get some good months, even. I get the audacity to start thinking that I’m improving, that I’m figuring things out. But then something will always end up putting me back in my place and reminding me that I can’t figure out how to be a whole, normal person. This cycle will repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and will not end for as long as I live. The responsible thing is to bow out for real, but I still just can’t do it. I’m stuck.
I stopped existing for five hours.
Today I attempted a milestone. With it now behind me, my mind lets the peaceful failure go, and turns its focus to the coming days and remaining year. Without the buffer of a more immediate test, upcoming trials can’t be swept away so easily anymore. The beast smells my fear and rises to the occasion, charging and butting and slashing me. Again, it attacks savagely; again, I survive. If it really wants to take me, perhaps it will take advantage of the opportunity in a few days. Until then, I’ll just wait and see.
June 14, 2025