Friend I Needed When I Needed

Understanding friendship is an ongoing process
Even at this age, apologetic for my ignorance
I stumble and trip
Shame drives me into hiding
Need pulls me back into the open 

Vulnerable again

History has taught me
That to be your authentic self
Without the gags and chains
Is to turn anathema
To create a force pushing outward
Driving back those who you only wish would inch closer 

History has taught me
That to remove your mask
Is to repel others
So you can watch them turn away
At best confused
At worst disgusted 

I hesitate
I speak, sometimes impulsively
I side-eye, curious
Knowing that what I convey is not always what is perceived
I nervously ask time and again
One way or another, out loud or to myself
“Am I doing it right?”

I do hope I’m doing it right

On recent failures
Connections to others breaking down
My heart fell so low
I wanted to quit, give up for good
I returned to the pit
Convinced that no one around me could ever really hear me
Even if I stood facing them hoarse and raw
Screaming my love 

So many couldn’t see it for what it was
My shouting was a language they couldn’t understand
Perhaps they mistook it for a desperate need
I wouldn’t even be able to name
Or a complex illness
Or maybe even callousness 
Maybe the message itself was reviled
Understood by some but despised and discarded 

Then, there you were

You had been around a while
And I sensed early that you were kind and honourable
But perhaps somewhat guarded
Your book felt politely closed
As most are in the first meetings
I couldn’t have known for some time 
The greater role you were to serve

I hesitated
I spoke
I nervously asked time and again
One way or another, out loud or to myself
“Am I doing it right?”

I do hope I’m doing it right

In iterations over the following months
You taught me the importance of following the proper rites
Our routine practices bred happy anticipation
Like the adventures of the little prince and his fox
Rituals building patience and trust
With repeated small successes I started to believe 
That maybe I could figure this out after all 
And with that flickering hope
The taming began 

When this world not built for those like me
Is too much
When I’m too much
You bring calm
When inner potential disasters bubbled to the surface
You held them safely in your hands
Bringing patient reassurance 
And with this soothing catharsis
The taming continued

Somehow seeing and hearing me
You bypassed my blindness here
Slipped past my deafness there
You made the effort to meet
Halfway between worlds, where I would happily run
And while trying to learn you
I started to believe that honest and strong connections 
Were not so impossibly far after all
And with that lesson
I was tamed

You told me:  
“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
You claim yourself student  
But I only see myself learning
Lessons to carry for what remains

You told me:
“The important is invisible to the eye and can only be seen with the heart.”
You claim yourself tamed
And I believe you, faithful 
Your words are boulders (solid, undoubtable)

You reminded me:
“We are responsible for those we have tamed.”
I’m not sure how I managed  
Establishing such ties
But I gladly accept this responsibility
To perform the duties of friendship
With so much gratitude 

I do hope I’m doing it right

October 6 – 11, 2024