Thoughts on Community, and the One I Found Myself In

I think community may not be quite what I thought it was. That, or it’s just not something that works “right” for me (or people like me). 

I was so glad to have found it. I belonged to a larger group, a larger “cause”, where everyone is vaguely reaching for the same overarching goals in the same fields. They have their own motivations, their own personal goals, but they come together to reach for them by similar paths. 

But the larger a community gets, the more manipulators, the more liars, the more fools, the more narcissists, the more psychopaths. 

I thought everyone was so good to each other. I thought everyone was so kind. I still think some, or many of them are. I see people giving of themselves to help each other, but they’re still human. Sometimes maybe they will act for the sake of others, but often, it’s probably ultimately only for themselves. But that’s normal human behaviour, isn’t it? 

I’m not even sure how I feel about it anymore. I used to be elated. Ecstatic to finally have it. Now I think I’m disappointed. Disenchanted. As though it’s not what I thought it was. Is this black and white thought distortion, or discovery of a simple truth?

Maybe this is just a community by necessity. I have written before about how this kind of thing requires others in order for us to function in it. Maybe everyone just deals with each other. We need each other to help us meet our own goals. Some of us understand that that has to work both ways for it to end up working for everyone.

What the fuck am I really expecting? This is stupid.

I question if I really fit here. I was so happy to finally fit right in. I now think I was mistaken. I think most of the others tolerate me, at best. There’s hopefully a few who legitimately enjoy my presence. But I don’t think we can ever know for sure. I thought it was just me who couldn’t tell, being on the spectrum, but maybe the neurotypicals aren’t as good at this as they think, either — I really can’t say…

I may have romanticized it. Touted it to myself as this wonderful thing, wonderful people in unity, yadda yadda… Now I feel like I’ve fooled myself. I’ve been very foolish. Ignorant. Naive. Downright stupid.

Do I really need community? I survived without it for a long time. Do I thrive, or at least do better, with or without it?

Maybe community ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.