Why am I so bitter about them?

Attempting to process some unpleasant feelings towards some particular people in my life.

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I was trying to be grateful that they were attempting to help me through their critiques and corrections. It’s true that if I had more people in my life, earlier, who were willing to do that, I may have been better off in the long run. I didn’t understand why I felt — feel — so angry and bitter towards them. 

I’ve come to realize it’s not the messages themselves that bother me so much as two other things.

First: the way they told me. Someone reminded me of that today when they described one as “speaking to people in ways they shouldn’t speak to people”. This is hitting the nail on the head. I can appreciate the message that they’re giving me, while simultaneously hating and even being offended by the delivery of it. The vitriol aimed at me for simple mistakes made while trying to be kind and appreciative was just not how I want to be treated. But, there is no such thing as “deserving”, there just is; just choices and responses. This reminds me that all I can control are my own choices and responses. 

Some people are just so miserable, they can’t like anybody around them — at least not for long. I’m starting to realize that these people may be that sort. There are things I still respect them for, but this is certainly not one of them, and I’d be lying if I refused to admit that it’s tarnished my image of them somewhat.

For now, I choose to continue interacting with them as long as I have some benefit. However, after being on the receiving end of such unnecessary anger and judgement, I find my heart is now guarded and hardened against them. I tried to convince myself to soften, to forgive, to appreciate, to understand; but I still just have too much bitterness about the responses I’ve received. 

Second: My own personal errors in my understanding of my place among them and their acceptance of me. This is not actually something that they’ve done wrong — this is probably just a result of my own failure to understand. I hate that I thought I may have been a little more than a barely-tolerated, possibly at times unwanted obligation… but ultimately, this one is probably on me.