Mental/Emotional Intimacy

I’ve been thinking about intimacy lately.

I don’t mean the sexual kind. In particular, I’ve been reading about intimacy as an aspect in other relationship types, such as friends and family.

I think I’ve had a lack of this in my life so far. A lot of that lacking is, I think, probably largely due to communication difficulties and bidirectional misunderstandings. I wonder about how well I’ve been able to communicate or understand warmth/intimacy, even if it were present. But I wonder if there could be other reasons. Maybe it looks and feels different to NTs compared to how NDs experience it? I think that my attempts to experience it as a child may have lead to what I perceived as negative results, so I learned to suppress it. Once I was of an age where I opened up to romantic/sexual partnerships, attempts at intimacy of various kinds were better received and less misunderstood in that context, so those relationships were the only ones where I felt any sort of intimate human connection.

I ask myself why this has become a topic of interest lately. Why do I suddenly recognize this as a need, as a requirement that I’ve been lacking? Am I changing somehow, or am I still the same but with a growing self awareness? Is this horrible loneliness and sense of disconnection I’m so prone to really new, or am I just newly able to recognize it?

I’m fortunate to have a partner to meet physical and some other needs, but that relationship does not provide for all of intimacy needs — and I think that’s normal and ok. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect one single person to meet all interpersonal needs. Nothing lasts forever, including people and relationships. Putting all your emotional eggs in one basket is asking for trouble down the line. I believe we all need close, intimate friendships outside of our romantic ones.

I need to feel like I can allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable at times. I need someone who can share secrets with me, and receive mine, with mutual trust and judgement-free care. Sometimes I can have that at home, but it can feel risky at times. If I do something wrong, if I go too far or demand too much, there is just too much at stake in a marriage I value this much.

I’m starting to understand that I need a certain amount of safe mental/intellectual and emotional intimacy, which I’ve experienced as somewhat lacking for most of my life, and lately I’ve been exploring that but I don’t really understand how much I really need; and the “proper”, correct ways to experience it, offer it, and receive it.