“It’s ok, no matter what happens.” they tell me, but I fear for them anyway. Their logic, reason, and emotional intelligence is some of the most powerful I’ve ever seen. I fear for them — their potential disappointment, sadness, loneliness, heartbreak — they act like their shields are all securely in place but I sense joints in their defenses where pain can seep through.
At the same time, I also feel just as much fear for myself, and this twists my insides with guilt and shame. My fear in losing their time, their energy, their help, their presence hurts me. It brings tears. I refuse to fight to keep them from whatever path they will find themselves on, but I can’t detach my heart from them and their future. I just can’t. How can I simultaneously, in equal measures, both want them to find their way and hoard them to myself, keeping them close to me? If their path ends up keeping them close to me, my heart will ache for them to find romance to bless their days with. Should they find that instead, my heart will ache for their absence when they drift (or are pulled) away. Should a romance break their heart, I’ll cry for them when I feel my heart stabbed with the knives they feel, but will I have the audacity and foul spirit to be glad to keep them near? Could I be that horrible? What they give me is not to be simply replaced, but at the same time, it seems like I don’t deserve any of it anyway. I want to help them, knowing they don’t need that help one bit — is this arrogance on my part? I’m a fool who doesn’t deserve their time, for my awful selfishness.
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