Wide-eyed, I listen and wait, hoping to drift.
Hours pass, still hoping.
Too much day sleep, too much caffeine, I think to myself.
Sadistic brain replays conversations, probing with questions, looking for errors.
…
Always analyzing, always seeking the mistakes, always finding a reason to blame.
I stopped existing for five hours.
Today I attempted a milestone. With it now behind me, my mind lets the peaceful failure go, and turns its focus to the coming days and remaining year. Without the buffer of a more immediate test, upcoming trials can’t be swept away so easily anymore. The beast smells my fear and rises to the occasion, charging and butting and slashing me. Again, it attacks savagely; again, I survive. If it really wants to take me, perhaps it will take advantage of the opportunity in a few days. Until then, I’ll just wait and see.
June 14, 2025
I’m searching for your innermost colours.
With each one found, I want to splash and lather them all like watercolour onto coarse, textured paper.
By tether unfrayed
this stalwart connection lives
still, on and on, still!
I’m tired but I’m happy.
There’s no belonging or being out of place today. There’s just whatever days remain for me, and those around me, and the fortune that these still intersect.
Tonight, as I retire, I’m filled with more gratitude than I know what to do with.
June 12, 2025; 10:35pm
The day is almost over. The moon is almost full. My mind is getting closer to quiet, and brings me no poems.
Everyone breathing along with me are one day closer to the end today.
As I close my eyes, all I can think about is how much I love them.
11:30 p.m. thoughts as I begin to drift off to sleep.
They travel together
All within reach of each other, never wandering far
Taking their turns
One then the other then the other
For decades
Simultaneously hating and guarding each other
I need to do the things for the sake of the things, not the people involved. Other people are an unfortunate necessity. They’re for others. Not me. My way is not theirs. They are human. I am sub human. Almost, but not quite.
…
Sleep feels far tonight
I owe such apologies
But can’t find the words