3 a.m.

Tonight I curled myself under my blankets in the dark, letting my mind wander
Thinking I might pray (I who never pray)
But instead drifting into unknowing sleep
Waking in the night just before 3 a.m. when he finally joins me
Rather than withdrawing, remaining separate, irritated at the disruption
I instead open the blankets and lift an arm to welcome him
It’s not so dark that I can’t see he’s wearing the sleep mask I gifted him last year
He takes me in his arms instead, kisses my face, says “I love you”
And immediately leaves me for the mistress of sleep
But he continued holding me close, as if I belonged in arms as naturally as out of them

I don’t follow him into sleep 

I can never sleep when he holds me 

The minutes and then hour tick by
I remain in suspended existence
I find myself cuddling the cat later, after she followed him here
I lie still for an hour 

It’ll be 4 a.m. soon

Everything is different at 4 a.m.

No one I know would answer me at 4 a.m.

As far as the rest of the world is concerned, I don’t exist 

I never did figure out another atheist’s prayer tonight, but my mind does wander
Selfishly, I briefly considered a prayer to find my way on a difficult path, so that I may live
And not wander lost in a dark forest, circling on bloodied heels until I fall
But now I’m so tired, I just don’t exist 

I change rooms, hoping to sleep and become real 

I think I’m more myself if I’m alone

Maybe later I will write that prayer
But first I must sleep
And become real

May 11, 2025
3:30 -3:50 a.m.