Waste

I had potential
Ignored, suppressed

Auto-didact, I could have gone so much further
Could have taught myself so many things
When the world opened to me
When I could finally reach the lessons 

But by then, it was too late
The damage was done 

Realizing I am not on the same wavelength
Realizing I will never quite be on that wavelength
The mental destruction that wrought
I don’t believe that can ever be undone 

The only things I had going for me
Weakened
They died, abandoned me
Or maybe I abandoned them, I don’t know which
Today I’m reduced to an empty shell of a person
A near-mindless husk
So far behind where she was supposed to be 

I can’t catch up
I’ll never be able to catch up
To the me that perhaps could have been
To the me that withered away,
Just too tired to continue
A long time ago  

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March 3 – 22, 2025

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For years after, I tried to find that spot again. The ivy grew too fast. I searched in so many spots, it seemed impossible that I had missed one, but I never found it. How can something be there and then not be there? How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become? — David ‘Doc’ Luben

I’m sad for many of the possible selves that I could have become, but never did.  

What could I have been if I wasn’t so scared of everything all the time?

Could I have been someone who enjoyed travelling for the sake of it? Exploration? Gatherings? 

Medicine? Archaeology? Skateboarding? Law? Parkour? 

Parenthood? Singing? Bass guitar, or maybe even cello? Forensics? Linguistics? Overseas teacher of English?

There’s no more point in grieving for what never existed than there is in hoping to meet what never will.