One More Night

(Followed up by The House Always Wins, Until…)

I’m casting these dice
Hoping for another night at the table
Either I go bust, fade into nothing
Or I find my fortune and live on  

That fortune is not a luxurious life
But it is a life
It’s warm breath that can speak kindness
(Even misunderstood, it is kindness, still)
It’s a heart that can beat in time to others
(Even out of sync, it can touch and be touched, still)

Surely, in this prize package, there must be riches to be found
It must have some value in its being
I meditate on this
Feeling the potential of all its aspects
Tumbling and tossing, knocking each other aside
Inside my cupped palms

But first 

I think to myself, preparing to throw
Bracing myself for an unknown outcome 

First, I have to make it through tonight 

Knowing the house always wins in the end 
And that one day I’ll have nothing left to gamble with 

First, I have to do well enough, just well enough 

I finally release  
Holding my breath

To break even 

If I can break even, I can walk out of here in the morning

I close my eyes as they sail to the table
Clacking and clattering

Come on… I need to break even!

I’m pleading through eyes pressed shut 

Please don’t clean me out
Please let me stay in the game

I don’t know if I really want to keep playing
It’s been going on for so long
I want it to end
But for some reason,
Not tonight

Just not tonight

Please don’t end tonight

Not knowing if this is the last
Afraid to know if this is the last
I slowly open my eyes

I’m still not breathing 

To my relief and horror mixed
It looks like I’ll be back tomorrow
For another round

The house always wins in the end
But it hasn’t destroyed me yet
Not tonight, I think as I walk out the front door  

We’ll see what happens tomorrow 

February 25 – March 6, 2025