Dear T.

When I met you yesterday, T.
I sat with you for some time
Just listening

From the very beginning
You were precious
Eyes boring into mine
You were so animated, so excited
The more you talked
Realizing someone was listening
Really listening to you

Your favourite class, teacher, colours
“What’s your favourite colour?”
Asked with the excitement and exuberance
Wasted on the young to slip away from us as we age
Your questions to me were few
But so honest and intensely curious
I couldn’t doubt your genuinity

Your cats and dogs and ferrets and reptiles
All your beloved animals
How delicious the homemade bread
And treats on our table were
Your beloved character designs
Your first transgender character
Then at first a little, before more and more
On your difficulties

All these and more, shared rapid-fire
On yesterday’s first meeting
More details than my spinning mind can retain
But I prompt, I ask for more of you
I take in as much of you as I can  
Remembering what some precious few
Have done for me, as such a simple thing
Can lighten so much weight 

I think I can see tiny elements of myself in you
The parallels are there
Initial diagnoses, while not incorrect
Inadequate
The need to share, the ache to connect
Or rather, maybe I see potential
A direction I could have gone
As I wonder where you’ll go from here 

You’ll have to curb that enthusiasm
Quiet that bubbling
In so many places, for so many people
I think you understand this already 
So I hope you continue to finds others
Who will listen, and hear you
And make you smile like you smiled at me
Through your nervous giggling
Tripping over your words 
Showing me your drawings
Sharing the appeal of decorative punctuation
Teaching me about blood proteins

I wore silly cat pattern socks yesterday
And you loved them so much
I put on another pair this morning
For when we meet again today
(I have several, you see!)
We need to find our joy where we can 
Even if it’s hiding in sketchbooks
Under rocks
Or in a sock drawer 

Your self-awareness is a double-edged sword
It can cut badly if not handled with care
But if you can learn to use it well
It could serve you wisely in the years to come 

Some like us — too many — don’t survive
As long as we could 
But I hope so badly that you do
I think you’re on the right track
Keep going, figure it out
You’re going to have to make so much effort
To manage yourself and maintain your place
But I think you’ll find it’s worth it 

The next day, upon reflection
I’ll confess to wet eyes
For what you have coming
Your hurt and confusion
T, I won’t lie to you
(Lies, however pleasant
Will not help you, or me, or anyone)
I wish this weren’t true
But someday, you’ll want to give up
And if it’s happened already
If you’ve already had a day in your young life
Where you wanted to give up
It hurts to assure you it will probably happen again
That desire, that awful urge
Perhaps as if you’ve found the only way
To set the world right again
It will happen, and again, and
Probably yet again 

But I can tell you from experience
That while it will return
It will also pass, again and again
If you can keep going
Embrace your passions
Treasure them for the life savers they are
As long as you can still find joy
In anything at all on this earth
Keep reading
Keep drawing
Keep learning
I think you may be understanding
More than you believe
So please don’t give up 

Even when the past disconnections
And failures come flooding back to you
Even when it feels like a lost cause 
(And there will be days and nights
Where it all feels like nothing but lost causes)
Even if you feel irredeemable at times
Please don’t give up 

You do have gifts
I could see it in our first conversation
Let their joy keep you afloat
They can serve you
And serve this world
Ungrateful but here 

If our way is “broken”
There is no fix
If our way is “just different”
There is no panacea
To make us just like them
It is us, we are it
From cradle to grave
But I hope you know we belong here
As much as they

Ultimately, remember
As long as you’re still here
Drawing and learning and caring 
I want to scream this:

You’re not failing
You’re succeeding in a rare direction

November 28, 2024