Chosen Barrenness

How could I have ever been human
Without yielding to that overpowering need
To melt with another
In the womanhood I never asked for
As I cursed and reviled it with
Tiny pills swallowed in faithful revolving cycles
Over and over and over for years
Oblivious for so long to all the
Miniature destruction they brought with them
Before tools installed religiously in the tiny
Ocean inside me that seems to
Reach beyond the universe
Ever staunchly guarding it
Against parasitic invasion

Surely the alternative was never for me
How could I, someone so incomplete
Someone so confused and unreal, so barely here
Contribute enough to an innocent new life
To make it worth their while
So they might not curse their own existence
How could I complete such an undertaking
Without crumpling and collapsing
While holding up my own roof 

What have I denied myself
What was I missing back then
What am I missing now
How might things have been different
How might my future have changed

I’ll never know if I would have been saved
Or destroyed

October 4 2024