Alone Beside Others

I crossed an ocean with equal parts anticipation and tension, fearful of the unknowns to a point that most would consider irrational, as is common for “my kind”.

I’m alone beside others who are not.

There have been allies alongside me for this journey, with few words spoken but supportive with their presence. Without allies, I would not have attempted such a trip, so I’m glad for this. But somehow they feel rather distant. When there is any sort of friendliness, it feels different than it used to. I can’t know why with certainty, but it’s not lost on me that my presence is serving a purpose. Contributing to an agenda, even. I would like to think that my inclusion in this circle is actually benefiting others in some other way, but when I really think about it, I don’t see that. I feel like I’m really only being tolerated at best, and not for reasons I like.

My thoughts, my opinions, are not sought. They are not valued. I am lesser, in their worldview, in the only areas that give me any place with them at all. They discuss topics that I presume they deem above me amongst themselves in front of me, and little else. This shouldn’t sting, but somehow it does a little. Why do I care?

Maybe, my definition of friendship is too narrow… or even too broad. Maybe I misunderstand, as is such a common experience. But despite this distance, I find I still care, and I still fear causing hurt or offense with my social clumsiness… but far less than I used to. There’s a slightly bitter taste in my mouth — sadly familiar — that I can’t quite wash away.