Sometimes, the communication aspect of budō overwhelms.

January 2024. Exact date unknown.

The higher amount of communication in partner contact budō sets me off at times. I get overwhelmed more easily there. Maybe the increased noise is a contributing factor too, a sensory issue… maybe. I think the intense communication is more of a factor. 

In iai, if I imagine the opponent more intensely, I still can’t even stare directly at them, and they’re not even real. How pathetic is that? I wish I wasn’t like this. Can I train that aversion out of me? I know it’s neurological pathways that are unusual, but the more we learn about the brain, the more we’re learning that it generally is turning out to have more plasticity than we previously thought. How much can autists rewire ourselves, if at all?

In kyudo, there’s connection but it’s all indirect. We don’t look directly at each other. We literally look through each other’s backs and see each other in periphery. I have to say I like that — I feel I am really part of a group, connected, as we’re all communicating and perceiving but without even looking at each other. It’s odd, but I like it.